Saving on Legal Fees

Your Pocket Divorce Guide
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The winter/spring 2014 issue of "Divorce Magazine" features my article of tips on saving on attorney fees. That information is based on my original interview with attorney/mediator Tim Gardner who candidly shared some simple ways clients can keep their legal fees to a minimum.

Those tips can save you some big bucks!

You can read the excerpt from the book on the
Save Money on Legal Fees page of this blog.

By the way, "Divorce Magazine" is an excellent divorce and separation resource and well worth checking out.

Peace ~
Lin

Divorce and Feelings of Failure

For both the Leaver and the Left, separation and divorce often create a deep sense of failure. I/we should've/could've been able to make this work! Failure, in turn, pulls us down and can lead to depression. But shining a new light on that word can shift the feeling into the positive, or at least neutral category.

Today's online Huffington Post article "The Key To Avoiding Self-Destructive Behaviors In The Face Of Failure" reminded me of another, less complicated way to reframe failure even in big situations.

Although the article didn't delve into self-destructive behaviors, those of us who have been through divorce, know some of the most common ones involve alcohol, over eating, binge partying or bar hopping, obsessive spending, and other abnormal extremes of behavior. Each is destructive and can become a permanent way of life.

The best way I know to re-view it is to genuinely see that failure as a learning experience. It is, you know. Life is just full of those and will be for as long as we live. Personal relationships aren't exempt.

One positive, effective way to shift your mindset is to pick up your journal (you've got one, right?) and a pen. Draw a horizontal across the middle of the page the page dividing it into two parts. Title the page "Learning from Failure." 

In the first section, "My Failures," list the ways you feel you may have failed in helping build a healthy marriage. Be brutally honest! Comments like "... but she shouldn't have taken it that way."  won't help you move on. Jot down anything that comes to mind, large or small allowing space to add more as you think of them.

The second section, "What I've Learned," may take some pondering. But there you'll write what you'll try to do differently in the future or maybe never do or say again. You're learning about the way you want to interact with the world in the future.

 * MAKE ALL OF THOSE POSITIVE! *

Resist the whiny or angry or pathetic comments. Focus on healthy inner changes and smile as you write each one. 

Take a few days to add to each list. There's no need to rush. 

Peace ~

Lin

Divorce Stress

You're right. Divorce is stressful.

"Someday we'll look back on this moment
and plow into a parked car."
                                              ~ Evan Davis

Slow down and take a some slow, deep breaths, and remember to play now and then
- just for the plain fun of it!

Peace ~

Lin

p.s. Be sure to keep up on your car insurance payments, too!

When the Divorce is Granted

When you receive notice that your divorce has been granted, don't spend the rest of the day alone. Whether you hear it in the courtroom, on a phone call from your attorney, or read a snail-mail notification, you may feel like you're suddenly different.

You might have been the "leaver" or the "left." Either way, there will likely be a feeling of loss, emptiness, or something nameless but sad. Sure, it's a beginning. But it's also an ending.

Get together with a friend or two. You can even ask in advance if they'd like to join you after you get the news, just to hang out. Call it a celebration or just friend time. It's many things all rolled into one.

I didn't know that and went out to eat by myself. That's not unusual. But on that night, I wished I'd been with a friend or two.

Peace ~

Lin

Post-Divorce Planning - Part 1

Whether you're preparing for separation, in the middle of the divorce process, or once again single, upbeat planning can lift your mood. Even in the best marriages, each spouse usually has one or more interests the other doesn't share, so they never quite get around to enjoying it during the married years. Don't feel guilty. Your soon-to-be-ex undoubtedly has a few, too.

* Begin making a list in your new journal. Think about topics, people, classes, events, or exploring life in general. On a fresh page, write "I've always wanted to try _________." Let the following list of "doing activities" help you get started:
(* We'll talk about journaling soon.)

1. SPORTS: 

• Solo,
• Team,
• Group,
• Indoor,
• Outdoor, 
• Local,
• A travel destination,
• For fun,
• For serious competition.

2. CREATIVE ACTIVITIES:

• Traditional handwork like knitting and crocheting,
• Weaving, large or small,
• Painting,
• Fiction writing,
• Poetry,
• Boat or gazebo building,
• Sewing or leather work,
• Nature crafts.

3. MUSIC

• Playing an instrument,
• Singing,
• Composing music,
• Exploring rhythm instruments,
• Joining or forming a group,
• Going solo, at least at first.

That short list should give you a few ideas. Each may involve attending classes, practicing, and exploring. None has to become a permanent part of your new life. 

But having that list written down is a healthy first step in creating a positive, newly single future for yourself!

Peace ~

Lin 

Divorce and Friends' Support

Friends, even more than family, can support and help us when our world falls apart. Virtually everyone who's planning to divorce or separate or who has just been left by their spouse may feel disconnected and in emotional free-fall. Family members may be too emotionally involved to be steady and supportive. But friends have no such dual loyalties.

When you life suddenly changes, or you know that it soon will, think of your closest friends. Not necessarily your most constant companions, but those in whom you can confide. Next consider which ones may have a bias against divorce. They wouldn't be helpful.

Then look at their lives. If divorced, does anger flare up when talk turns to their ex? You don't need that kind of destructive energy right now. In deciding on 2 or 3 candidates, don't be too concerned about whether they've been divorced or not. Any kind of emotional baggage from their old situation could still get in the way of them helping you.

It can also be invaluable to call on friends with somewhat different perspectives. One woman we know narrowed her list down to three good friends - one a young widow, one married, and the other had never tied the knot. They never did all all get together at once. Her preference was to meet them individually, when she shared the news that she would very soon be filing for divorce.

Each one first played devil's advocate asking if she'd considered this or that life situation that might come up. And each one offered her unwavering, loving support which continued long after the divorce dust had settled.

Such friends offer stability. Try not to lean on them too hard, or you'll wear them out. For both their sake and your own, share what's going on when you see them, but then move on to more cheerful topics. You'll both leave the meeting feeling uplifted!

Women tend to get together over a meal or coffee out. Men often have a drink or get together to shoot hoops or swing a golf club.

Peace ~

Lin

Stressed but Lonely

This is written especially for the newly single who enjoy getting together with friends, but can't quite face large, noisy parties when we're feeling stressed and vaguely anxious. At such times, big gatherings drain our inner batteries more quickly and wear us out. On the other hand, you may feel isolated and lonely now and then since you're no longer part of a couple.

One solution is simply the Go or Don't Go method. For those of us who don't care for the shallow interactions of "cocktail party" events, just decline the invitation with a sincere Thanks. But don't make it a habit to stay home alone when the company of friends or family might be a happy, healing time out.

Then, too, the larger parties don't have to be an "all or nothing" for you. Enjoying a 5-hour party for 2 or 3 hours and then leaving is sometimes just right. And the important people in your life won't think twice about a slightly early departure. If you feel you have to make an excuse, say you're tired from a hectic week.

If you choose that route, arrive at the start of the party. Otherwise, you come into the middle of conversations and activities. Leave gracefully when you feel  happily satisfied. You will return home refreshed but not drained!

(Avoid questions or extensive talk about your separation or divorce. For one thing, it's too personal for a party. For another, you'll be far more refreshed if you forget all about that for awhile.)

Peace ~

Linda

Never too Late

Elin Nordegren, Rollins College Graduate, class of 2014 and recipient of the Hamilton Holt Outstanding Senior Award, delivered this commencement speech.

She was divorced at 25 when she was not yet a U.S. citizen and had just started college. At 34, she's now a citizen with two beautiful children and a degree in psychology in spite of a disruptive period in the limelight. (Being Tiger Woods ex will do that.)

My favorite clip from her speech was:

"It's never too late to follow your dreams."

That's so true for men and woman both, and those are healthy words to live by!

Peace ~

Lin

My Garden Changed

This morning, as I finished the happy job of planting herbs in my patio pots, I remembered the vegetable garden in our suburban back yard. At the back of the typically small yard, my 12' x 40' garden and I grew a few varieties of tomatoes, beans, eggplant, peppers, herbs, and other fresh goodies. You can see why I considered it my ratatouille garden. Another of my favorites was Swiss chard. What a change from then to now.

When I divorced that life nearly 20 years ago, I left my garden behind. For 22 years before that, it had been an incredible source of spiritual and physical nourishment for me. All of the work and love I invested in it was returned to me a hundred fold. We worked well together.

But when I started over, I didn't want the responsibility of a house, so bought a lovely condo instead. Here at the edge of the small, peaceful courtyard, my garden is made up of four large pots and three medium size ones. With only partial direct sunlight, Swiss chard is the only vegetable that thrives. The other pots "host" thyme, sage, basil, and upright rosemary, plus a few plump, lemon-bright marigolds to deter critters.

Among the many large and small exchanges we make in moving from marital life to single, the switch from big garden to pot garden has been one of the most successful. It's not the same. But it's different in a fulfilling way. And it was one of those changes that didn't happen immediately. First, I had to realize I missed working the soil. Then came the thought of how to remedy that, followed by the initial baby steps.

Like a lot of new aspects of my life, it will no doubt continue to develop and grow. Any herb that perks up the flavor of my heart-healthy eating and can withstand St. Louis summers in a pot, is a future possibility.

Adopting a positive outlook can make our future possibilities 

feel exciting and endless.

Peace ~

Linda

Your Adult Children And Your Divorce

More and more we hear about couples divorcing after two or more decades of marriage for any number of reasons. Some of them may have chosen to just "hang in there" until the kids are on their own, the theory being that the children will then have lives of their own and be relatively unaffected by their parents' divorce.

In fact, there seems to be a universal misconception among divorcing parents as well as friends, relatives, and relative strangers that the adult children will be fine. That's not just untrue - it's terribly hurtful to the young adults.

No matter their ages, our children are dealing with the death of their family and need to mourn the loss. That absolutely does not mean the parent(s) should continue in a painful marriage "for the children's sake." But they need our support and understanding, too, as they go through their own 5 Stages of Divorce Grief. The passage won't be smooth or fast, any more than it will be for the divorcing parents. 

from Your Pocket Divorce Guide (c) 2014 

Appendix B: The Forgotten Ones: Your Adult Children And Your Divorce

After Divorce: Who am I now?

Along with all the practical and legal decisions in separation and divorce, we're usually plunged into that age old dilemma: Who am I now?

The longer the marriage, the more we consciously identify ourselves as half of a couple. No matter how proudly one might claim to never have "lost" him or herself in the role, we do change. Married or single, human beings continue to explore life, meet new people, learn, and grow. And divorce changes us yet again.

That can feel like a genuine loss of self. Those who are preparing for or going through divorce might benefit from taking a positive time out from practical matters and make a few lists to help identify The New You.

Over the course of your marriage...

1. What new skills did you learn both inside and outside the home?
2. What latent talents did you discover and develop?
3. In what new ways have you learned how to reach out to help others in the community?
4. What sights and sounds make you stop and smile?

Make those lists an ongoing project, and add to the upbeat feel of it by writing them in a really handsome journal. Add other points you remember and invite your friends and family to contribute their thoughts.

Keep them completely positive! DO NOT allow negativity into your lists in any way at all.
Let this be the first step towards your beautiful new self-definition of yourself as a Fresh Start single!

Peace ~

Lin