To Stay or Leave Your Marriage

The decision to divorce isn't easy. Continuing with the status quo may be tempting. Some people take years to make a move -- some simply live out their lives in an emotionally painful, loveless marriage. Wouldn't it be great for an expert to help you decide?

One especially helpful book, "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay: A Step-by-StepGuide to Help You Decide Whether to Stay In or Get Out of YourRelationship"  by Mira Kirshenbaum, describes several different unhappy marriages and explains how and why it can be saved or not. 

It's the most logical, insightful book I've read on the subject! 

Although this book was first published in 1997, it's still one of the highest ranking books on Amazon's divorce book scale. The classic marital situations described in the book still resonate in 2016.


Peace ~

Lin

Laughter for Stress Relief

Separation and divorce produce so many different layers of stress that "overwhelmed" can become the only honest response to "How are you?" Wherever you are in the process, it's the right time to learn and use positive stress relievers. Make them a regular item in your schedule.

Some of us find that the laughter boost we get alone really blossoms when we share the experience with friends and family. That doubles your stress-relief, first with socializing, and then with the laughter itself. Funny movies, videos (I still like "Shrek I" for grown up laughing), games, singing, dancing, you can even make a game out of planning laughter get togethers!

We've all experienced the simple feel-good and sleep-better benefits of laughing, but here's the rest of the story. The Mayo Clinic web site informs us of the physiological benefits of laughter: 

Stress relief from laughter? It's no joke

By Mayo Clinic Staff

A good sense of humor can't cure all ailments, but data are mounting about the positive things laughter can do.

<>  SHORT-TERM BENEFITS

A good laugh has great short-term effects. When you start to laugh, it doesn't just lighten your load mentally, it actually induces physical changes in your body. Laughter can:

* Stimulate many organs. Laughter enhances your intake of oxygen-rich air, stimulates your heart, lungs and muscles, and increases the endorphins that are released by your brain.

* Activate and relieve your stress response. A rollicking laugh fires up and then cools down your stress response and increases your heart rate and blood pressure. The result? A good, relaxed feeling.

* Soothe tension. Laughter can also stimulate circulation and aid muscle relaxation, both of which help reduce some of the physical symptoms of stress.

          

<>  LONG-TERM EFFECTS

Laughter isn't just a quick pick-me-up, though. It's also good for you over the long haul. Laughter may:

* Improve your immune system. Negative thoughts manifest into chemical reactions that can affect your body by bringing more stress into your system and decreasing your immunity. In contrast, positive thoughts actually release neuropeptides that help fight stress and potentially more-serious illnesses.

* Relieve pain. Laughter may ease pain by causing the body to produce its own natural painkillers. Laughter may also break the pain-spasm cycle common to some muscle disorders.

* Increase personal satisfaction. Laughter can also make it easier to cope with difficult situations. It also helps you connect with other people.

* Improve your mood. Many people experience depression, sometimes due to chronic illnesses. Laughter can help lessen your depression and anxiety and make you feel happier. 

Click HERE to read the full article.

Peace ~

Lin

Financial Hazards of Divorce After 50

For anyone nearing or over 50, these financial issues will be crucial. If you have any additional questions, contact your divorce attorney.

By Jeanie Ahn

August 15, 2014 2:58 PM

Yahoo Finance

Breaking up is hard to do no matter when it happens. But getting divorced later in life can be especially traumatic, both emotionally and financially.

There are now more divorcées over the age of 50 than ever before. In 1990, just one in 10 people who got divorced was over 50; today, it’s one in four, according to “The Gray Divorce Revolution,” an analysis of federal statistics conducted by researchers at Bowling Green State University.

For this age group, some of the biggest challenges include divvying up accumulated assets and learning how to take control of their finances, often for the first time.

More than 600,000 Americans 50 and older got divorced in 2010, compared to about 200,000 in 1990.

Certified estate planner Jean Ann Dorrell says getting a divorce later in life requires dealing with situations that you don’t have to think about when you’re younger: Who gets the house? How will retirement plans get split? How will a divorce impact your future Social Security benefits?

Here are her tips on how to handle the most challenging money issues in a later-in-life divorce:

1.      Avoid tax penalties when splitting up assets

2.      Real estate: Who gets the house?

3.      Be knowledgeable about debt

4.      Plan for gaps in health insurance

5.      Social Security benefits

1. Avoid tax penalties when splitting up assets
Longer-married couples have typically built up substantial savings in several retirement plans. And unless a careful analysis is done, important provisions and the value of various retirement plans may be overlooked.

To split up some assets, a divorcing couple will need a Qualified Domestic Relations Order (QDRO) issued by a judge, which changes or splits up the ownership of a retirement plan to give a divorced spouse his or her share of the asset. QDROs should protect both spouses from tax penalties when retirement funds are transferred from one to another. 

2. Real estate: Who gets the house?
The house is often a source of emotional attachment — for both husband and wife — with neither wanting to give it up. But financial factors — like continuing to pay off the mortgage if there is one and upkeep — should be considered when it comes to this asset. It may make more sense to sell the house, pull out the equity and buy something smaller, Dorrell says. Or consider a reverse mortgage to make it financially possible to keep the house.

3. Be knowledgeable about debt
Full disclosure about all debts and assets is crucial. The best thing you can do is get a credit report on both of you. Credit reports are updated regularly, so it would be good to keep checking on it before the divorce is finalized. Your divorce attorney should be able to help give each spouse the other’s debt information and make a plan to get the debt taken care of, Dorrell says.

4. Plan for gaps in health insurance
If you are currently covered by your spouse’s health insurance through a family policy, you may face a gap in coverage until Medicare kicks in at age 65. One option is to purchase coverage through the health insurance marketplace; since the passage of the Affordable Care Act, insurers are not allowed to charge higher rates for people with pre-existing conditions, and subsidies can make insurance even more affordable. Another option is COBRA, a continuation of your employer’s group plan for up to 36 months; with COBRA you can receive the same coverage you had when you were married, but it is expensive. Perhaps a last-resort option, Dorrell says, is to consider legal separation instead of a divorce if neither of those alternatives are affordable.

5. Social Security benefits
It’s important for divorcing couples to remember that you can collect your ex-spouse’s Social Security benefits. If your marriage lasted 10 years or more and you're 62 or older, you can collect retirement benefits on your former spouse's Social Security record (if you’re unmarried), and it won’t impact your former spouse's benefits, Dorrell says.

You may be eligible to draw benefits of up to 50% of your former spouse's benefit. Check out the Social Security Administration’s website for more information about filing for benefits if you’re divorced. 

* * *

[This article has been slightly shortened. To read the full piece go to Divorce After 50.]

Peace ~

Linda

Divorce: Telling the Children

One of the hardest parts of separation is telling your kids, and you have to deal with that painful announcement at a time when you're emotionally wounded and bleeding. Talk to other single parents about how they handled "the divorce talk," and rehearse what you'll say before you sit down with your children.

They may already be feeling frightened and uncertain because of the anger and unloving actions they've seen between their mommy and daddy. The young are very sensitive to family stress.

Often they're overwhelmed with guilt and feel they are somehow responsible for the family's unhappiness. They may also feel it's their job to make things right and make everybody happy with each other again. They need to be told over and over that they aren't responsible for any of your grown-up problems and divorce.

If possible you should both sit down with your child and explain that you aren't happy living together anymore, and that you'll be getting a divorce and living in different houses. Assure them that you both love them very much, and that won't ever change. Tell them what wonderful kids you think they are, and talk briefly about a special parent/child time together that's particularly dear to you. It's vital for them to understand that neither parent is divorcing them. They'll now have two family homes instead of one.

Assuming that you'll have some kind of shared custody, explain that they'll spend some time with each of you, but that it'll take a little time for you to figure out a schedule.

Even though you're being torn apart with lawyers, property settlement discussions, and possibly moving, try to spend some extra time with your children after you tell them you're divorcing. Get-togethers involving grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins will further demonstrate a stable family foundation to them. 

You might even ask if one or more of your close family member would volunteer to be touchstones for your kids.

DON'T...
    ... compete for your child's love.
    ... bad-mouth your spouse.
    ... force your child to choose sides, either by words or actions.
    ... pump your child for information about your soon-to-be-ex.

DO...

    ... reassure them of your unwavering love for them by both your words and your actions.

    ... encourage them to come talk to you when they feel sad or confused.

    ... repeatedly tell them this is in no way their fault.

    ... tell them that your decision is final (assuming that's true).

In the best of all worlds, the children will have two loving homes in the future instead of one. Constance R. Ahrons's excellent book The Good Divorce (HarperCollins 1994) offers some excellent advice for establishing and maintaining a loving though separate family.

Finally, the best thing you can do for both your children and yourself after you tell them about the divorce is to simply love them.

Peace ~
Lin

Preparing for Separation Page!

Are you considering leaving your marriage? If so, chances are you don't know how to prepare for the separation. But you'll find 11 points of spot-on, useful  information on this blog's newest page:

Preparing for Separation

BEFORE SEPARATION: PREPARING TO LEAVE

[An excerpt from Chapter 1 of Your Pocket Divorce Guide by Linda C. Senn]

Do know of someone else who might appreciate having this information? Please pass this link along to them.

FREE Book!

YOUR POCKET DIVORCE GUIDE

FREE on Amazon today and Saturday, July 26th

If you're considering separation or are in the divorce process now, you'll find concise, practical information as describe on the book's page on this blog, New Book Release.

If you know of anyone who might need this kind of help, please forward this information to them. They'll be very grateful for it.

* Those of you who don't have a Kindle can order "Download to PC." Amazon will request permission to "install" a Kindle-reading program onto your computer. It's safe. That's how I read Kindle books!

Divorce Sickness

Your Divorce
Journal

The sometimes disorienting stresses of the whole separation and divorce process certain can make you sick! In the previous post, you learned three easy stress relievers. Journaling is another. Psychologists have been recommending journaling for stress relief, to record your hopes and joys, and to identify lingering hot buttons and why you're having a hard time letting them go.

Here is another page from The Divorce Recovery Journal shown on the Linda's Other Books page on this blog.

                 Divorce "Sickness"

The only cure for seasickness is

to sit on the shady side of an

old brick church in the country.

~ English sailors’ proverb

Our Thoughts:

Divorce can be dizzying and nauseating, just like seasickness. The point to this proverb is to avoid the irritant when you think you’re going to throw up (either literally or figuratively).

Find some place, either internally or externally, where you can be peaceful.  Slow down, take a time out, get your land legs back under you. A quiet place in nature is wonderful.

Simply identifying your hot buttons can go a long way towards helping you manage and finally conquer them.

Your Thoughts:

What are my major irritants? 

Peace ~

Lin

Stress Relievers

The physical, emotional, and financial stresses of separation and divorce can really do a number on your health. The conscious mind becomes obsessed with planning, preparing, and worrying, each of which further boost the stress level. And the weight of depression overshadows our need to ease those destructive layers of stress.

We'll go into the possible negative effect in another post. But you'll need a healthy mind and body as you make the transition from married person to single. For now, here are a few easy stress relievers to start you out:


<>  TIME TO BREATHE 
      Sit down in a relatively quiet place, put your feet flat on the floor, and rest your hands on your thighs. Close your eyes. Relax your body - head, neck, shoulders chest, and back.
Take some slow, deep breaths: inhale to the count of 8, hold to count of 2 or 3, exhale slowly to the count of 8, rest. Repeat 10 times.

Remain in that position focusing all your attention on the gentle rise and fall of your chest.
When you feel relaxed and centered, open your eyes and begin moving around again.

<>  PEACEFUL WALKING
      Walk for a minimum of 5 minutes - inside your house, up and down steps, around your office inside or out, in the neighborhood of either. As you walk, think of each good thing or blessing in your life for which you are grateful. Focus all of you attention on thinking of more for as long as you walk.

You may start with love and caring, go on to a safe home, food, clean water right out of the tap, shoes on your feet, the ability to walk, and keep going. Nothing is too small to consider as long as you're glad you have it/them in your life.

If troubled or negative thoughts bubble up (which they love to do), just refocus your attention to another good thing in your life. It's OK to repeat or list chocolate or fresh corn on the cob. It's also fine if you smile as you go!

The walking is good for you, and the thoughts will lift you up.

<>  MOVE HAPPY
      For great stress relief and fun, listen to some upbeat music. You know the kind - you can't sit still while it's playing (or for awhile afterwards). My current favorites are Paul Simon's Graceland and Rhythm of the Saints CDs. You may have an iPod or other personal device with a bunch of your happy favorites.

Stand up, put the music on, and just start to swing and sway, dance and clap. Keep it up for as long as the spirit moves you. Do you have a friend who might want to get movin' with you?

<> L-O-N-G SLOW BATH
     Take a long, mineral rich soaking bath. One or two cups of Epsom salts make the water feel slightly buoyant, and if you like, add a few drops of any essential oil you enjoy, i.e. lavender, cedar, jasmine, or pine.

Don't just sit! Slide down a bit, lean your head back against the tub, and rest your eyelids. Put a waterproof neck pillow (or put a rolled up hand towel in a zippered plastic bag) behind your head and neck.

If you're used to just taking a quick shower, you may get restless after a very few minutes. Try to stay in the tub. Sometimes I bring a kitchen timer in and set it for 20 minutes. Knowing that's my target actually helps me relax.

Bonus touches: you may also light a few candles, put on some smooth and easy music, and have a glass of something sip-able at tubside.

Stay tuned for some more Stress Relievers on this blog. 

Peace ~

Lin




     

Separated But In Divorce Limbo

Making the final decision to file for divorce comes very slowly in some situations.  One spouse may initiate the separation; the other goes alone because there doesn’t seem to be a choice; sometimes, one leaves while the other spends years thinking they'll get back together. So won't move forward.

But this lives-on-hold situation can be physically and emotionally unhealthy. In fact, limbo is such unsettled territory, that often one or both spouses continue to feel their lives are simply dangling in midair. 

Here are a few ways to create a healthier limbo:

ATTORNEY: Spend an hour talking to a divorce lawyer about the rules of marital separation in your area. Does moving out of the marital home constitute abandonment? If you leave the children in the care of your spouse, will it affect your future custody agreement? Simply ask how any actions you take now could have a bearing on your future life if you eventually get a divorce. Be overly cautious now rather than wish at some point in the future that you had been!

FAMILY: Spend social time with your family – at least with those whose company you enjoy! Avoid the ones who can’t refrain from quizzing you and/or constantly telling you what you should do. You need a break from that. If you have children, spend pleasant, happy time with them, whether you’re living with them or not.

FRIENDS: If you have long time friends who won’t take sides and who can be both respectful of your privacy and fun company, spend time with them on shared interests, old and new.

NEW FRIENDS: Meet new people and develop new friendships. Those who only know you, the new you, won’t remind you of what was or what may come to be. They only know the you of right now. Spend time getting to know the ones who make you feel good about yourself and life in general. 

OH, THOSE WEEKENDS: Some separated and divorced people really hate being at home on weekend evenings – others don’t. If you feel down at those times, make it a point to plan a shared, fun activity for at least one of those nights every weekend.

* In economically tough times, make it a group challenge to come up with free or very cheap fun so no one will be left out. Free concerts and plays at universities, workshops and seminars at churches and other religious settings, and community festivals can be great for all involved.

PRACTICAL ACTIONS: Whether you stay married or not, there are a few basic, healthy steps to take now: Open your own checking account; apply for your own credit card (legitimately using full household income on the application); and start a separate cell phone account if you’re currently on a family plan. If you're living separately, keep your accounts and households truly separate. 

In essence, develop your own healthy life – one that doesn’t involve your separate spouse. You aren’t excluding or shunning. You’re simply choosing to be a healthy individual, whatever the life situation.

Peace,

Lin

Leave the Marriage or Stay

If you are still in the decision-making stage – do I stay or do I go – read Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay by Mira Kirshenbaum. Kirshenbaum takes her readers on an intimate, enlightening tour of their marriages, and offers helpful, sometimes surprising insights into whether it’s healthier to leave or stay.

Excerpt from Your Pocket Divorce Guide

In the course of my divorce coaching, I've encountered several situations where the potential leaver was paralyzed by indecision. This book might have been an enormous help to them.For me, this book was reassuring. I'd made my decision and divorced. Then I read this, and realized my decision have been the right one.

Mira Kirshenbaum is clinical director of the Chestnut Hill Institute, a center for therapy and research in Boston, and has been treating patients in individual and couples therapy for more than thirty years.

Peace ~ 

Lin

Free New Divorce Book!

FREE Kindle  version tomorrow and Friday
(June 5th and 6th) on Amazon. 

My newest book, Your Pocket Divorce Guide, will be available to you for Free! 

If you're considering separation or are in the divorce process now, you'll find concise, practical information as describe on the book's page on this blog, New Book Release. If you know of anyone who might need this kind of help, please forward this information to them. They'll be very grateful for it.

* Those of you who don't have a Kindle can order "Download to PC." Amazon will request permission to "install" a Kindle-reading program onto your computer. It's safe. That's how I read Kindle books!

Peace ~

Lin

Post-Divorce Planning - Part 1

Whether you're preparing for separation, in the middle of the divorce process, or once again single, upbeat planning can lift your mood. Even in the best marriages, each spouse usually has one or more interests the other doesn't share, so they never quite get around to enjoying it during the married years. Don't feel guilty. Your soon-to-be-ex undoubtedly has a few, too.

* Begin making a list in your new journal. Think about topics, people, classes, events, or exploring life in general. On a fresh page, write "I've always wanted to try _________." Let the following list of "doing activities" help you get started:
(* We'll talk about journaling soon.)

1. SPORTS: 

• Solo,
• Team,
• Group,
• Indoor,
• Outdoor, 
• Local,
• A travel destination,
• For fun,
• For serious competition.

2. CREATIVE ACTIVITIES:

• Traditional handwork like knitting and crocheting,
• Weaving, large or small,
• Painting,
• Fiction writing,
• Poetry,
• Boat or gazebo building,
• Sewing or leather work,
• Nature crafts.

3. MUSIC

• Playing an instrument,
• Singing,
• Composing music,
• Exploring rhythm instruments,
• Joining or forming a group,
• Going solo, at least at first.

That short list should give you a few ideas. Each may involve attending classes, practicing, and exploring. None has to become a permanent part of your new life. 

But having that list written down is a healthy first step in creating a positive, newly single future for yourself!

Peace ~

Lin 

Divorce and Friends' Support

Friends, even more than family, can support and help us when our world falls apart. Virtually everyone who's planning to divorce or separate or who has just been left by their spouse may feel disconnected and in emotional free-fall. Family members may be too emotionally involved to be steady and supportive. But friends have no such dual loyalties.

When you life suddenly changes, or you know that it soon will, think of your closest friends. Not necessarily your most constant companions, but those in whom you can confide. Next consider which ones may have a bias against divorce. They wouldn't be helpful.

Then look at their lives. If divorced, does anger flare up when talk turns to their ex? You don't need that kind of destructive energy right now. In deciding on 2 or 3 candidates, don't be too concerned about whether they've been divorced or not. Any kind of emotional baggage from their old situation could still get in the way of them helping you.

It can also be invaluable to call on friends with somewhat different perspectives. One woman we know narrowed her list down to three good friends - one a young widow, one married, and the other had never tied the knot. They never did all all get together at once. Her preference was to meet them individually, when she shared the news that she would very soon be filing for divorce.

Each one first played devil's advocate asking if she'd considered this or that life situation that might come up. And each one offered her unwavering, loving support which continued long after the divorce dust had settled.

Such friends offer stability. Try not to lean on them too hard, or you'll wear them out. For both their sake and your own, share what's going on when you see them, but then move on to more cheerful topics. You'll both leave the meeting feeling uplifted!

Women tend to get together over a meal or coffee out. Men often have a drink or get together to shoot hoops or swing a golf club.

Peace ~

Lin

After Divorce: Who am I now?

Along with all the practical and legal decisions in separation and divorce, we're usually plunged into that age old dilemma: Who am I now?

The longer the marriage, the more we consciously identify ourselves as half of a couple. No matter how proudly one might claim to never have "lost" him or herself in the role, we do change. Married or single, human beings continue to explore life, meet new people, learn, and grow. And divorce changes us yet again.

That can feel like a genuine loss of self. Those who are preparing for or going through divorce might benefit from taking a positive time out from practical matters and make a few lists to help identify The New You.

Over the course of your marriage...

1. What new skills did you learn both inside and outside the home?
2. What latent talents did you discover and develop?
3. In what new ways have you learned how to reach out to help others in the community?
4. What sights and sounds make you stop and smile?

Make those lists an ongoing project, and add to the upbeat feel of it by writing them in a really handsome journal. Add other points you remember and invite your friends and family to contribute their thoughts.

Keep them completely positive! DO NOT allow negativity into your lists in any way at all.
Let this be the first step towards your beautiful new self-definition of yourself as a Fresh Start single!

Peace ~

Lin