Divorced & Suddenly alone

Highest Stress Divorce Ages

Arguably, two Life Stages are the most difficult for a divorcing couple: (1) early parenthood and (2) mid-life.

Although you're never alone, early parenthood is full of other uncertainties, especially for those who have never been around babies. It's a whole new world full of scary surprises and indescribable joys. And generally count family and friends stand ready to help. All the world loves a baby and half of them will drop by to say Hi and hold the baby!


Then there's mid-Life. It's supposed to be a time of easing back a little, sharing a full, happy life with the one you love and who cherishes you in return. We've all seen the commercials where they walk hand in hand, smiling adoringly at each other. Financially secure, kids grown or nearly so, health still good, and eager for new life adventures - together.

Of course, most people are pulled down by the natural uncertainties of menopause, one or more mid-life crises, and less flexible joints. And there's that nagging suspicion that you're past your peak, and it might all be downhill from here. But everybody goes through that.

Not everybody is suddenly alone.

In fact, for a while you may feel like the only un-paired person around.

But if you look, you'll find that there are others who've been divorced, or widowed, or who have never married. They're taking interesting adult evening classes, doing volunteer work, going to church or society, the Japanese Festival at the Botanical Garden, or the Lions Club Barbecue.

They're all things you can begin exploring any time.

More on socializing coming soon.

Peace ~

Linda

To Stay or Leave Your Marriage

The decision to divorce isn't easy. Continuing with the status quo may be tempting. Some people take years to make a move -- some simply live out their lives in an emotionally painful, loveless marriage. Wouldn't it be great for an expert to help you decide?

One especially helpful book, "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay: A Step-by-StepGuide to Help You Decide Whether to Stay In or Get Out of YourRelationship"  by Mira Kirshenbaum, describes several different unhappy marriages and explains how and why it can be saved or not. 

It's the most logical, insightful book I've read on the subject! 

Although this book was first published in 1997, it's still one of the highest ranking books on Amazon's divorce book scale. The classic marital situations described in the book still resonate in 2016.


Peace ~

Lin

Preparing to Separate

It's one thing to make the decision to separate and divorce -- quite another to screw up the courage to act on it. But there are several useful steps you can take before announcing it to your soon-to-be-ex.

The first is building a foundation of supportive friends and maybe even non-judgmental relatives.

Get together with one or two close, discreet friends. This isn't necessarily a "baring your soul" session. In the first conversation, you may simply say you're way past miserable and are seriously considering starting over single.

Odds are that won't come as a shock to those close to you. But you can ask if they're surprised.* Some people get so good at putting on a false, happy face, that others believed your relationship was fine.

Resist the urge to spew out all the emotional pain you feel -- those are best shared with your therapist. Steer your friends in the direction of practical questions and suggestions.

Some will play devil's advocate and ask if you've thought of this or that challenge of being single again. Listen to them. They really do meant to be helpful. If  it's something you haven't considered, resist the urge to feel discouraged. Focus on the best way to deal with whatever they brought up.

It's not a question of Can I or Can't I.
But of how can I work around that.

 Don't invite anyone who went through a bitter divorce, seems stuck in a painful marriage, or has chosen to be a lifelong victim.

Supportive friends offer a powerful boost your courage and will be a joy in your new life as a single.

A Lonely Marriage

LONELINESS by Beverly J. Letchworth

Loneliness falls

     not with butterfly wings

     but with a smack

     of eagle's talons -

             gripping,

     suffocating,

     with pain

     that stills the soul.

It is a loathsome thing,

     this invisible suppression

     which leaves the heart

             shaken and afraid,

             despairing of its duration;

             

               for it's one thing

                to be lonely alone,

                but agony to be lonely

                                   with you.

          *    *    *    *    *    *    *

From The Many Faces of Journaling: topics & techniques for personal journaling by Linda C. Senn

Divorce & Starting Over Single

End of the Year = End of Your Marriage?

Major holidays sometimes prove just how broken your marriage is, and you know ... it's time to stop pretending and admit that your marriage has been over for so very long.  * Your only New Year's resolution is to file for divorce.

The decision itself can be a relief, especially if you've been struggling to make the marriage work. But you can't. It really does take two. 

The reasons for divorce are many. Emotional and personality incompatibility is a destroyer. The two partners may have completely different needs for feeling loved and secure -- needs that the spouse is unable or unwilling to give. 

Your job in making the decision to leave or stay is whether you've blossomed or withered in your marriage. Your natural inborn gift is a peaceful, loving life.

Imagine the absence of emotional, psychological, and/or physical abuse. Picture being surrounded by people who respect you, believe in you, and admire you. How does that sound? Impossible? No. That's the real world, beyond your marriage.

   * When you leave the pain, you truly walk into the sunshine. *

In this series of blog posts, Divorce & Starting Over Single, you'll find practical guidance, steps to take through that process, and upbeat ideas for fresh start as a single. You'll also find useful information in the past posts.

And, as always, I welcome your comments!

Peace,

Lin