Divorce Can Feel Overwhelming

Your Divorce
Journal

For decades, counselors and therapists have advised their clients to keep a journal, especially when they're going through overwhelming emotional challenges. And the end of a marriage is one of the worst. A private divorce journal can help you process all three phases: separation, divorce, and starting over.

These journals serve as silent companions for ventilating pain and anger, giving words to unanswerable questions, and self-searching for your deepest feelings. Those blank pages also welcome your wishes and dreams for the future.

Therapist Mary Stuart and I wrote The Divorce Recovery Journal to serve just that purpose. Its three sections address Looking Down (separation), Looking Out (going through divorce), and Looking up (to the new you).

I'll be posting excerpts from that book on this blog from time to time. You can write your thoughts in a journal, create a computer journal, or just think about them. The personal insights that bubble up may surprise you - and help you heal.

DIVORCE CAN FEEL OVERWHELMING

The impossible

is often the untried.

~ Jim Goodwin

* Our Thoughts:

Life often feels overwhelming during divorce.  Everything looms large and many tasks seem impossible, particularly if this is the first time you’ve ever done them.  If you’re feeling swamped, get help.  If you’ve never balanced a checkbook, have someone teach you how.  If you’ve never taken the car to the mechanic, take a friend with you who has had experience in dealing with mechanics.  Reach out and ask for help.  You’ll be amazed at the response.

* Your Thoughts:

What prevents me from asking others for help?

"Pocket Divorce Guide" Reviews

Your Pocket Divorce Guide
~ BUY NOW ~
Print & Kindle formats

These two new Amazon reviews nail the powerful benefits of this book:

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

4.0 out of 5 stars Easy-to-digest guide to everything divorce
June 17, 2014

By Rosalind Sedacca

Format:Paperback|Verified Purchase

If you're looking for short, easy to digest guide to understanding divorce and the many choices involved, this concise book covers the spectrum with sound advice. You get a good overview of what's ahead and how to make the best decisions for your particular needs.

Rosalind Sedacca, CCT
Founder, Child-Centered Divorce Network

_____________________________________

4.0 out of 5 stars Clear thoughts for when you can't think clearly June 15, 2014

By Deborah Granick

Format:Paperback

This short, easy read guide provides basic information for getting through divorce. You'll get everything from what to do if you think a divorce is in your future to checklists for furnishing your new home to how to save money on legal fees. I liked the easy to apply format. This is not an "everything you need to know guide" but it is a GREAT place to start. Not intimidating. Not overwhelming. Lots of great resources for next steps. You'll feel like you've had a conversation with an experienced friend when you turn the last page. 

_____________________________________

Future Dreams

For those going through divorce, I gently suggest adopting this philosophy as your own:

I like the dreams of the future

better than the history of the past.

~ Thomas Jefferson

The future is, indeed, full of possibilities. Be sure to create positive dreams that will renew and fulfill you as a whole person!

Peace ~

Lin

5 Steps in Divorce Grief

Divorcing spouses – the Leavers and the Left – generally experience their own version of the five stages of grief that accompany all serious life losses. They are:

• DENIAL - sometimes with shock and withdrawal;
• ANGER -  outward directed rage;
• BARGAINING - with your ex, with God, or any other likely candidate;
• DEPRESSION - the feeling of deep and weighty sadness, often with lingering anger;
• ACCEPTANCE - moving fully into your newly single life. 

Both the Leaver and the Left will go through the process, but they go through the stages at different times. And it’s perfectly normal to bounce back and forth from one stage to another and back. Sometimes they may find themselves in two or more at once.

If you feel stuck at any point, especially in the depression phase, please see a qualified psychotherapist or counselor to help you move forward.

Friends and family are precious, but they aren't trained professionals. And, frankly, they may start to feel a little impatient with what may seem like slow progress to them. Go out and have fun with them after your therapy appointments! 

Peace ~ 

Lin

Separated But In Divorce Limbo

Making the final decision to file for divorce comes very slowly in some situations.  One spouse may initiate the separation; the other goes alone because there doesn’t seem to be a choice; sometimes, one leaves while the other spends years thinking they'll get back together. So won't move forward.

But this lives-on-hold situation can be physically and emotionally unhealthy. In fact, limbo is such unsettled territory, that often one or both spouses continue to feel their lives are simply dangling in midair. 

Here are a few ways to create a healthier limbo:

ATTORNEY: Spend an hour talking to a divorce lawyer about the rules of marital separation in your area. Does moving out of the marital home constitute abandonment? If you leave the children in the care of your spouse, will it affect your future custody agreement? Simply ask how any actions you take now could have a bearing on your future life if you eventually get a divorce. Be overly cautious now rather than wish at some point in the future that you had been!

FAMILY: Spend social time with your family – at least with those whose company you enjoy! Avoid the ones who can’t refrain from quizzing you and/or constantly telling you what you should do. You need a break from that. If you have children, spend pleasant, happy time with them, whether you’re living with them or not.

FRIENDS: If you have long time friends who won’t take sides and who can be both respectful of your privacy and fun company, spend time with them on shared interests, old and new.

NEW FRIENDS: Meet new people and develop new friendships. Those who only know you, the new you, won’t remind you of what was or what may come to be. They only know the you of right now. Spend time getting to know the ones who make you feel good about yourself and life in general. 

OH, THOSE WEEKENDS: Some separated and divorced people really hate being at home on weekend evenings – others don’t. If you feel down at those times, make it a point to plan a shared, fun activity for at least one of those nights every weekend.

* In economically tough times, make it a group challenge to come up with free or very cheap fun so no one will be left out. Free concerts and plays at universities, workshops and seminars at churches and other religious settings, and community festivals can be great for all involved.

PRACTICAL ACTIONS: Whether you stay married or not, there are a few basic, healthy steps to take now: Open your own checking account; apply for your own credit card (legitimately using full household income on the application); and start a separate cell phone account if you’re currently on a family plan. If you're living separately, keep your accounts and households truly separate. 

In essence, develop your own healthy life – one that doesn’t involve your separate spouse. You aren’t excluding or shunning. You’re simply choosing to be a healthy individual, whatever the life situation.

Peace,

Lin

Leave the Marriage or Stay

If you are still in the decision-making stage – do I stay or do I go – read Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay by Mira Kirshenbaum. Kirshenbaum takes her readers on an intimate, enlightening tour of their marriages, and offers helpful, sometimes surprising insights into whether it’s healthier to leave or stay.

Excerpt from Your Pocket Divorce Guide

In the course of my divorce coaching, I've encountered several situations where the potential leaver was paralyzed by indecision. This book might have been an enormous help to them.For me, this book was reassuring. I'd made my decision and divorced. Then I read this, and realized my decision have been the right one.

Mira Kirshenbaum is clinical director of the Chestnut Hill Institute, a center for therapy and research in Boston, and has been treating patients in individual and couples therapy for more than thirty years.

Peace ~ 

Lin

Free New Divorce Book!

FREE Kindle  version tomorrow and Friday
(June 5th and 6th) on Amazon. 

My newest book, Your Pocket Divorce Guide, will be available to you for Free! 

If you're considering separation or are in the divorce process now, you'll find concise, practical information as describe on the book's page on this blog, New Book Release. If you know of anyone who might need this kind of help, please forward this information to them. They'll be very grateful for it.

* Those of you who don't have a Kindle can order "Download to PC." Amazon will request permission to "install" a Kindle-reading program onto your computer. It's safe. That's how I read Kindle books!

Peace ~

Lin