Made Mistakes You Regret? It’s Not Too Late To Make It Right!

[Rebecca Sedacca, CCT, known as The Voice of Child-Centered Divorce, is a Divorce and Parenting Coach and Founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network for parents, and a counselor of extraordinary compassion and wisdom. Visit her website for more helpful guidance.]  

By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT
September 27th, 2014

Divorce drives some people crazy. Because of that, they make many poor decisions. Their judgment, integrity and credibility are easy to question. Their decisions regarding taking responsibility for their children come under scrutiny.

There is much we can all learn from these mistakes. And wisdom we can take away that is important for all of us to remember: It’s never too late to get it right – when your children are at stake!

In the heat of the divorce drama, we may have settled for a decision or two that we later regretted and still feel resentful. Or we made a child-related agreement that, in hindsight, was not in our child’s best interest – but we don’t know quite how to remedy the situation.

Perhaps we lost our tempers at an inappropriate time 

and watched our children painfully internalize the experience.

- or - 
Maybe we referred to our ex in a rather unflattering way 

only to find our child get very upset and storm away in anger.

While some legal issues can only be handled through legal resolution, there are many post-divorce relationship decisions involving our children that we can remedy! And, it’s never too late to make amends.

If you have found that your children are suffering or hurting due to a decision you made when you were more motivated by anger than by positive parenting and are now having regrets – take action.

That can mean having a heart-to-heart with your children and apologizing for behavior or statements you made that created pain in their lives. Take responsibility, own those choices, and humbly explain that you made an error and now want to make some changes.

That may translate into letting them spend more time with their other parent … no longer bad-mouthing your ex in front of the kids … inviting your ex to a holiday or school event with the children … encouraging the kids to have a visit with their “other” grandparents … you get the idea.

Perhaps it means a straight-talk conversation with your ex that opens the door to better, more cooperative communication, trust and co-parenting. Or, apologizing for harsh words and insults.

Yes, this can be amazingly difficult to do from an ego perspective. But when you think about how much joy it can mean to your children when they see both of their parents getting along – it’s more than worth the swallowing of your pride. Chances are your ex will swallow some too – and be receptive to working things out in a more mature manner.

If you have nothing to “own” and all the tension and mistakes rest solely on the shoulders of your ex, try approaching them in a different way,
focusing exclusively on the emotional needs of the children,and reaching out a hand in peace.

There’s no guarantee this will work – and we all know there are some certified jerks out there of both genders! But don’t give up – ever! Times change, people can change, and change may be just what your family needs so you can create a better outcome for your children.

When you take the “high” road and model responsible, effective behavior, you are giving your children the gift of learning how to do that themselves. It’s a gift that will pay off for you and them many times in the years ahead. One day your children will thank you for making things “right.” They’ll acknowledge you for being such a model Mom or Dad, despite the challenges you faced. And believe me, you will be proud of the parent you worked so hard to become.

It’s never too late to heed this advice and start taking constructive steps that move you in the right direction – to honor the children you love. And if you need a helping hand, reach out to a professional for that support and guidance. We’re here to help you make a positive difference for everyone in the family.

*     *     *

Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a Divorce & Parenting Coach and author of the internationally-acclaimed ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children — with Love! For her free ebook on Post-Divorce Parenting, coaching services and other valuable resources on divorce and parenting issues, go to: www.childcentereddivorce.com.

Also see "The Forgotten Ones: Your Adult Children and Your Divorce" in Your Pocket Divorce Guide by Linda. C. Senn.

Morale Boosters for the Newly Single

Separation and divorce make us feel like failures. Both the Leaver and the Left can feel that they should have been able to do something to save and renew the once-happy marriage. But we tried and couldn't. And now that the divorce is final, a major morale boost is desperately needed!

The following aren't ongoing stress relievers. They're a way of honoring yourself and marking the start of a new phase of your life. Morale boosts for both women and men may come from a special piece of jewelry, a good luck talisman, or an item for your new home. For once, I recommend something tangible that you can enjoy over and over again like a warm hug.

There's no need to rush! Take your time and savor the anticipation. Look at it as a quest for your own symbolic grail. Do set a realistic budget and don't go overboard. Debt is no way to begin a new life.

Some of the ideas below were the choices of my friends and coaching clients, others just seem like fun.  But I'd love to hear what you decided on for yourself. I'll post your responses here on the blog with or without your first name only - your call:

1. JEWELRY. The stone(s) from an engagement ring or some family heirloom set into a new ring or necklace in celebration of YOU! Take your time, visit a few different jewelers and compare both the ring, brooch, pendant, and cuff link settings and the prices at each place. Shop and "sleep on it" as many times as it takes to find something that makes you feel special. A friend worked with a jeweler to design and make a new ring using the stone from her engagement ring with smaller stones from her grandmother's brooch.

2. A NEW ITEM FOR YOUR HOME. A practical item won't give you the same boost as something symbolic, artistic, or in some way uplifting to your spirit. One woman stumbled upon a large pen and ink picture of a reclining, nude woman. The soft watercolor accents of aqua and coral with the black ink highlighted both the femininity and strength of Elemental Woman. Now beautifully framed, it hangs in a place of honor in her new living room and speaks of her own inner spirit.

3. A PERSONAL TALISMAN OR GOOD LUCK SYMBOL. Ideally, this should be small enough to carry in your pocket, purse, or briefcase, so you can always have it with you. You may already have a special item, maybe your grandparent's watch or the silver dollar he gave you. Some of us have a favorite small, polished or natural stone or one with an encouraging word etched on it. Old or new, given to you by a special person or store bought, it should give you a positive feeling when you hold it in your hand.

4. PERSONAL TLC. True, this kind of treat isn't tangible, but it certainly boosts the morale. A great massage lifts both your mood and your endorphins. [Tip: If you know it'll take you almost an hour to simply relax into it, schedule a 90 minutes massage.] Or sign on for a package deal wherein you save by buying 5 or more massages to use when you wish. For all-out pampering, go for a day at the spa. You can usually choose which personal services you want to include in a day's visit.

Finding this special gift to yourself needs time. You could share the quest with a friend or venture forth on your own. When you've found it and claimed it for yourself, you may go home and silently meditate on the goodness and positive energy you will share with the item. You could also throw a party for close friends to celebrate the item's "homecoming." In some way that feels right to you, welcome it.

Happy hunting!

Lin

Laughter for Stress Relief

Separation and divorce produce so many different layers of stress that "overwhelmed" can become the only honest response to "How are you?" Wherever you are in the process, it's the right time to learn and use positive stress relievers. Make them a regular item in your schedule.

Some of us find that the laughter boost we get alone really blossoms when we share the experience with friends and family. That doubles your stress-relief, first with socializing, and then with the laughter itself. Funny movies, videos (I still like "Shrek I" for grown up laughing), games, singing, dancing, you can even make a game out of planning laughter get togethers!

We've all experienced the simple feel-good and sleep-better benefits of laughing, but here's the rest of the story. The Mayo Clinic web site informs us of the physiological benefits of laughter: 

Stress relief from laughter? It's no joke

By Mayo Clinic Staff

A good sense of humor can't cure all ailments, but data are mounting about the positive things laughter can do.

<>  SHORT-TERM BENEFITS

A good laugh has great short-term effects. When you start to laugh, it doesn't just lighten your load mentally, it actually induces physical changes in your body. Laughter can:

* Stimulate many organs. Laughter enhances your intake of oxygen-rich air, stimulates your heart, lungs and muscles, and increases the endorphins that are released by your brain.

* Activate and relieve your stress response. A rollicking laugh fires up and then cools down your stress response and increases your heart rate and blood pressure. The result? A good, relaxed feeling.

* Soothe tension. Laughter can also stimulate circulation and aid muscle relaxation, both of which help reduce some of the physical symptoms of stress.

          

<>  LONG-TERM EFFECTS

Laughter isn't just a quick pick-me-up, though. It's also good for you over the long haul. Laughter may:

* Improve your immune system. Negative thoughts manifest into chemical reactions that can affect your body by bringing more stress into your system and decreasing your immunity. In contrast, positive thoughts actually release neuropeptides that help fight stress and potentially more-serious illnesses.

* Relieve pain. Laughter may ease pain by causing the body to produce its own natural painkillers. Laughter may also break the pain-spasm cycle common to some muscle disorders.

* Increase personal satisfaction. Laughter can also make it easier to cope with difficult situations. It also helps you connect with other people.

* Improve your mood. Many people experience depression, sometimes due to chronic illnesses. Laughter can help lessen your depression and anxiety and make you feel happier. 

Click HERE to read the full article.

Peace ~

Lin