One of the hardest parts of separation is telling your kids, and you have to
deal with that painful announcement at a time when you're emotionally wounded
and bleeding. Talk to other single parents about how they handled "the divorce talk," and
rehearse what you'll say before you sit down with your children.
They may already be feeling frightened
and uncertain because of the anger and unloving actions they've seen between
their mommy and daddy. The young are very sensitive to family stress.
Often they're overwhelmed with guilt and
feel they are somehow responsible for the family's unhappiness. They may also
feel it's their job to make things right and make everybody happy with each
other again. They need to be told over and over that they aren't responsible
for any of your grown-up problems and divorce.
If possible you should both sit down
with your child and explain that you aren't happy living together anymore, and
that you'll be getting a divorce and living in different houses. Assure them
that you both love them very much, and that won't ever change. Tell them what wonderful
kids you think they are, and talk briefly about a special parent/child time
together that's particularly dear to you. It's vital for them to understand
that neither parent is divorcing them. They'll now have two family homes
instead of one.
Assuming that you'll have some kind of
shared custody, explain that they'll spend some time with each of you, but that
it'll take a little time for you to figure out a schedule.
Even though you're being torn apart with
lawyers, property settlement discussions, and possibly moving, try to spend
some extra time with your children after you tell them you're divorcing.
Get-togethers involving grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins will further
demonstrate a stable family foundation to them.
You might even ask if one or more of
your close family member would volunteer to be touchstones for your kids.
DON'T...
... compete
for your child's love.
... bad-mouth
your spouse.
... force
your child to choose sides, either by words or actions.
... pump
your child for information about your soon-to-be-ex.
DO...
In the best of all worlds, the children
will have two loving homes in the future instead of one. Constance R. Ahrons's
excellent book The Good Divorce (HarperCollins 1994) offers some
excellent advice for establishing and maintaining a loving though separate
family.
Finally, the best thing you can do for
both your children and yourself after you tell them about the divorce is to
simply love them.
Peace ~
Lin
One of the hardest parts of separation is telling your kids, and you have to
deal with that painful announcement at a time when you're emotionally wounded
and bleeding. Talk to other single parents about how they handled "the divorce talk," and
rehearse what you'll say before you sit down with your children.... compete for your child's love.
... bad-mouth your spouse.
... force your child to choose sides, either by words or actions.
... pump your child for information about your soon-to-be-ex.
Peace ~
Lin
