Divorce: New Interests, New Friends

Preparing for Divorce & New You


Whether you're divorced or are still deciding, this is a positive time to get out and explore new interests. As you do, new friends will enter your life, and you'll begin to feel yourself coming alive - slowly but surely!


Have you ever been to a MeetUp get together? Here are just a few from St. Louis Missouri, my home town:


St. Louis Board Game MeetUp Group
Dine Out on a Dime
* Swing Dancing
* 40yr+ Social Club

       
                     
Self Employed St. Louis MeetUp
TEDx Connect: "800+ Thought Leaders"            
Outdoor Afro St. Louis
Let's Hike
 
           Center for Pragmatic Buddhism
           St. Louis Christian Volunteers

* NOT good while you're still married, if you want to continue these after the divorce (if you take that route).
Tip: Avoid divorce groups. This is a time for new ideas and fun discoveries!
Google MeetUps (your town). The page that comes up will show the MeetUp groups within 25 miles of your home. Click on the 25 and reset it to another distance if you want.


 Peace ~


 Lin



         
                      

New Friends & the New You

Growing the New You by Meeting New Friends

When you're in a troubled marriage, your inner spirit withers. Feeling unloved does that. But you don't have to wait for divorce to begin healing.

Begin building the New You by getting out and exploring new interests - without your spouse. Why? If you do separate and divorce, you won't want your ex to show up when you're out socializing!

Tips:

• look for places that aren't too far from home, but not next door either.
• start with a class you've wanted to try for a long time.
• go to a familiar place alone or invite a buddy to go with you. (Not someone of your spouse's gender.)

Workshops and classes offer the best possibilities to make new friends. At the top of the resource lists are community college classes. The low cost, the handy locations and the incredible range of offerings make these winners.

Check their websites for listings and see if you can order a print catalog. A sampling from the St. Louis Community College Continuing Ed Spring catalog includes

• Yoga
• Starting Your Own Business
• CPR and First Aid
• Computer Technology
• Caricature Drawing, Weaving, Beaded Earrings
• Cooking and Wine Making
• Wine Tasting
• Music, Theater, Dancing
• Meditation
• Home Repair
• Foreign Languages
• Bridge, Fencing
• Swimming, Water Aerobics, Zumba

You'll maximize your chances of starting new friendships if you sign up for classes that go for at least 3 sessions and plan to arrive early each time. That provides more time to chat.

Tip: And when you talk with those new friends, really listen! Make notes afterwards so you don't forget that Danny's new dog is a collie and Pat just planted tomatoes at home.

Swap business cards if you have them or, at the last class, swap email addresses so you can stay in touch.

And remember to smile!

Peace,

Lin

More places to explore the world with the growing New You coming up!

Divorced & Suddenly alone

Highest Stress Divorce Ages

Arguably, two Life Stages are the most difficult for a divorcing couple: (1) early parenthood and (2) mid-life.

Although you're never alone, early parenthood is full of other uncertainties, especially for those who have never been around babies. It's a whole new world full of scary surprises and indescribable joys. And generally count family and friends stand ready to help. All the world loves a baby and half of them will drop by to say Hi and hold the baby!


Then there's mid-Life. It's supposed to be a time of easing back a little, sharing a full, happy life with the one you love and who cherishes you in return. We've all seen the commercials where they walk hand in hand, smiling adoringly at each other. Financially secure, kids grown or nearly so, health still good, and eager for new life adventures - together.

Of course, most people are pulled down by the natural uncertainties of menopause, one or more mid-life crises, and less flexible joints. And there's that nagging suspicion that you're past your peak, and it might all be downhill from here. But everybody goes through that.

Not everybody is suddenly alone.

In fact, for a while you may feel like the only un-paired person around.

But if you look, you'll find that there are others who've been divorced, or widowed, or who have never married. They're taking interesting adult evening classes, doing volunteer work, going to church or society, the Japanese Festival at the Botanical Garden, or the Lions Club Barbecue.

They're all things you can begin exploring any time.

More on socializing coming soon.

Peace ~

Linda

To Stay or Leave Your Marriage

The decision to divorce isn't easy. Continuing with the status quo may be tempting. Some people take years to make a move -- some simply live out their lives in an emotionally painful, loveless marriage. Wouldn't it be great for an expert to help you decide?

One especially helpful book, "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay: A Step-by-StepGuide to Help You Decide Whether to Stay In or Get Out of YourRelationship"  by Mira Kirshenbaum, describes several different unhappy marriages and explains how and why it can be saved or not. 

It's the most logical, insightful book I've read on the subject! 

Although this book was first published in 1997, it's still one of the highest ranking books on Amazon's divorce book scale. The classic marital situations described in the book still resonate in 2016.


Peace ~

Lin

Made Mistakes You Regret? It’s Not Too Late To Make It Right!

[Rebecca Sedacca, CCT, known as The Voice of Child-Centered Divorce, is a Divorce and Parenting Coach and Founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network for parents, and a counselor of extraordinary compassion and wisdom. Visit her website for more helpful guidance.]  

By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT
September 27th, 2014

Divorce drives some people crazy. Because of that, they make many poor decisions. Their judgment, integrity and credibility are easy to question. Their decisions regarding taking responsibility for their children come under scrutiny.

There is much we can all learn from these mistakes. And wisdom we can take away that is important for all of us to remember: It’s never too late to get it right – when your children are at stake!

In the heat of the divorce drama, we may have settled for a decision or two that we later regretted and still feel resentful. Or we made a child-related agreement that, in hindsight, was not in our child’s best interest – but we don’t know quite how to remedy the situation.

Perhaps we lost our tempers at an inappropriate time 

and watched our children painfully internalize the experience.

- or - 
Maybe we referred to our ex in a rather unflattering way 

only to find our child get very upset and storm away in anger.

While some legal issues can only be handled through legal resolution, there are many post-divorce relationship decisions involving our children that we can remedy! And, it’s never too late to make amends.

If you have found that your children are suffering or hurting due to a decision you made when you were more motivated by anger than by positive parenting and are now having regrets – take action.

That can mean having a heart-to-heart with your children and apologizing for behavior or statements you made that created pain in their lives. Take responsibility, own those choices, and humbly explain that you made an error and now want to make some changes.

That may translate into letting them spend more time with their other parent … no longer bad-mouthing your ex in front of the kids … inviting your ex to a holiday or school event with the children … encouraging the kids to have a visit with their “other” grandparents … you get the idea.

Perhaps it means a straight-talk conversation with your ex that opens the door to better, more cooperative communication, trust and co-parenting. Or, apologizing for harsh words and insults.

Yes, this can be amazingly difficult to do from an ego perspective. But when you think about how much joy it can mean to your children when they see both of their parents getting along – it’s more than worth the swallowing of your pride. Chances are your ex will swallow some too – and be receptive to working things out in a more mature manner.

If you have nothing to “own” and all the tension and mistakes rest solely on the shoulders of your ex, try approaching them in a different way,
focusing exclusively on the emotional needs of the children,and reaching out a hand in peace.

There’s no guarantee this will work – and we all know there are some certified jerks out there of both genders! But don’t give up – ever! Times change, people can change, and change may be just what your family needs so you can create a better outcome for your children.

When you take the “high” road and model responsible, effective behavior, you are giving your children the gift of learning how to do that themselves. It’s a gift that will pay off for you and them many times in the years ahead. One day your children will thank you for making things “right.” They’ll acknowledge you for being such a model Mom or Dad, despite the challenges you faced. And believe me, you will be proud of the parent you worked so hard to become.

It’s never too late to heed this advice and start taking constructive steps that move you in the right direction – to honor the children you love. And if you need a helping hand, reach out to a professional for that support and guidance. We’re here to help you make a positive difference for everyone in the family.

*     *     *

Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a Divorce & Parenting Coach and author of the internationally-acclaimed ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children — with Love! For her free ebook on Post-Divorce Parenting, coaching services and other valuable resources on divorce and parenting issues, go to: www.childcentereddivorce.com.

Also see "The Forgotten Ones: Your Adult Children and Your Divorce" in Your Pocket Divorce Guide by Linda. C. Senn.

Morale Boosters for the Newly Single

Separation and divorce make us feel like failures. Both the Leaver and the Left can feel that they should have been able to do something to save and renew the once-happy marriage. But we tried and couldn't. And now that the divorce is final, a major morale boost is desperately needed!

The following aren't ongoing stress relievers. They're a way of honoring yourself and marking the start of a new phase of your life. Morale boosts for both women and men may come from a special piece of jewelry, a good luck talisman, or an item for your new home. For once, I recommend something tangible that you can enjoy over and over again like a warm hug.

There's no need to rush! Take your time and savor the anticipation. Look at it as a quest for your own symbolic grail. Do set a realistic budget and don't go overboard. Debt is no way to begin a new life.

Some of the ideas below were the choices of my friends and coaching clients, others just seem like fun.  But I'd love to hear what you decided on for yourself. I'll post your responses here on the blog with or without your first name only - your call:

1. JEWELRY. The stone(s) from an engagement ring or some family heirloom set into a new ring or necklace in celebration of YOU! Take your time, visit a few different jewelers and compare both the ring, brooch, pendant, and cuff link settings and the prices at each place. Shop and "sleep on it" as many times as it takes to find something that makes you feel special. A friend worked with a jeweler to design and make a new ring using the stone from her engagement ring with smaller stones from her grandmother's brooch.

2. A NEW ITEM FOR YOUR HOME. A practical item won't give you the same boost as something symbolic, artistic, or in some way uplifting to your spirit. One woman stumbled upon a large pen and ink picture of a reclining, nude woman. The soft watercolor accents of aqua and coral with the black ink highlighted both the femininity and strength of Elemental Woman. Now beautifully framed, it hangs in a place of honor in her new living room and speaks of her own inner spirit.

3. A PERSONAL TALISMAN OR GOOD LUCK SYMBOL. Ideally, this should be small enough to carry in your pocket, purse, or briefcase, so you can always have it with you. You may already have a special item, maybe your grandparent's watch or the silver dollar he gave you. Some of us have a favorite small, polished or natural stone or one with an encouraging word etched on it. Old or new, given to you by a special person or store bought, it should give you a positive feeling when you hold it in your hand.

4. PERSONAL TLC. True, this kind of treat isn't tangible, but it certainly boosts the morale. A great massage lifts both your mood and your endorphins. [Tip: If you know it'll take you almost an hour to simply relax into it, schedule a 90 minutes massage.] Or sign on for a package deal wherein you save by buying 5 or more massages to use when you wish. For all-out pampering, go for a day at the spa. You can usually choose which personal services you want to include in a day's visit.

Finding this special gift to yourself needs time. You could share the quest with a friend or venture forth on your own. When you've found it and claimed it for yourself, you may go home and silently meditate on the goodness and positive energy you will share with the item. You could also throw a party for close friends to celebrate the item's "homecoming." In some way that feels right to you, welcome it.

Happy hunting!

Lin

Laughter for Stress Relief

Separation and divorce produce so many different layers of stress that "overwhelmed" can become the only honest response to "How are you?" Wherever you are in the process, it's the right time to learn and use positive stress relievers. Make them a regular item in your schedule.

Some of us find that the laughter boost we get alone really blossoms when we share the experience with friends and family. That doubles your stress-relief, first with socializing, and then with the laughter itself. Funny movies, videos (I still like "Shrek I" for grown up laughing), games, singing, dancing, you can even make a game out of planning laughter get togethers!

We've all experienced the simple feel-good and sleep-better benefits of laughing, but here's the rest of the story. The Mayo Clinic web site informs us of the physiological benefits of laughter: 

Stress relief from laughter? It's no joke

By Mayo Clinic Staff

A good sense of humor can't cure all ailments, but data are mounting about the positive things laughter can do.

<>  SHORT-TERM BENEFITS

A good laugh has great short-term effects. When you start to laugh, it doesn't just lighten your load mentally, it actually induces physical changes in your body. Laughter can:

* Stimulate many organs. Laughter enhances your intake of oxygen-rich air, stimulates your heart, lungs and muscles, and increases the endorphins that are released by your brain.

* Activate and relieve your stress response. A rollicking laugh fires up and then cools down your stress response and increases your heart rate and blood pressure. The result? A good, relaxed feeling.

* Soothe tension. Laughter can also stimulate circulation and aid muscle relaxation, both of which help reduce some of the physical symptoms of stress.

          

<>  LONG-TERM EFFECTS

Laughter isn't just a quick pick-me-up, though. It's also good for you over the long haul. Laughter may:

* Improve your immune system. Negative thoughts manifest into chemical reactions that can affect your body by bringing more stress into your system and decreasing your immunity. In contrast, positive thoughts actually release neuropeptides that help fight stress and potentially more-serious illnesses.

* Relieve pain. Laughter may ease pain by causing the body to produce its own natural painkillers. Laughter may also break the pain-spasm cycle common to some muscle disorders.

* Increase personal satisfaction. Laughter can also make it easier to cope with difficult situations. It also helps you connect with other people.

* Improve your mood. Many people experience depression, sometimes due to chronic illnesses. Laughter can help lessen your depression and anxiety and make you feel happier. 

Click HERE to read the full article.

Peace ~

Lin

Financial Hazards of Divorce After 50

For anyone nearing or over 50, these financial issues will be crucial. If you have any additional questions, contact your divorce attorney.

By Jeanie Ahn

August 15, 2014 2:58 PM

Yahoo Finance

Breaking up is hard to do no matter when it happens. But getting divorced later in life can be especially traumatic, both emotionally and financially.

There are now more divorcées over the age of 50 than ever before. In 1990, just one in 10 people who got divorced was over 50; today, it’s one in four, according to “The Gray Divorce Revolution,” an analysis of federal statistics conducted by researchers at Bowling Green State University.

For this age group, some of the biggest challenges include divvying up accumulated assets and learning how to take control of their finances, often for the first time.

More than 600,000 Americans 50 and older got divorced in 2010, compared to about 200,000 in 1990.

Certified estate planner Jean Ann Dorrell says getting a divorce later in life requires dealing with situations that you don’t have to think about when you’re younger: Who gets the house? How will retirement plans get split? How will a divorce impact your future Social Security benefits?

Here are her tips on how to handle the most challenging money issues in a later-in-life divorce:

1.      Avoid tax penalties when splitting up assets

2.      Real estate: Who gets the house?

3.      Be knowledgeable about debt

4.      Plan for gaps in health insurance

5.      Social Security benefits

1. Avoid tax penalties when splitting up assets
Longer-married couples have typically built up substantial savings in several retirement plans. And unless a careful analysis is done, important provisions and the value of various retirement plans may be overlooked.

To split up some assets, a divorcing couple will need a Qualified Domestic Relations Order (QDRO) issued by a judge, which changes or splits up the ownership of a retirement plan to give a divorced spouse his or her share of the asset. QDROs should protect both spouses from tax penalties when retirement funds are transferred from one to another. 

2. Real estate: Who gets the house?
The house is often a source of emotional attachment — for both husband and wife — with neither wanting to give it up. But financial factors — like continuing to pay off the mortgage if there is one and upkeep — should be considered when it comes to this asset. It may make more sense to sell the house, pull out the equity and buy something smaller, Dorrell says. Or consider a reverse mortgage to make it financially possible to keep the house.

3. Be knowledgeable about debt
Full disclosure about all debts and assets is crucial. The best thing you can do is get a credit report on both of you. Credit reports are updated regularly, so it would be good to keep checking on it before the divorce is finalized. Your divorce attorney should be able to help give each spouse the other’s debt information and make a plan to get the debt taken care of, Dorrell says.

4. Plan for gaps in health insurance
If you are currently covered by your spouse’s health insurance through a family policy, you may face a gap in coverage until Medicare kicks in at age 65. One option is to purchase coverage through the health insurance marketplace; since the passage of the Affordable Care Act, insurers are not allowed to charge higher rates for people with pre-existing conditions, and subsidies can make insurance even more affordable. Another option is COBRA, a continuation of your employer’s group plan for up to 36 months; with COBRA you can receive the same coverage you had when you were married, but it is expensive. Perhaps a last-resort option, Dorrell says, is to consider legal separation instead of a divorce if neither of those alternatives are affordable.

5. Social Security benefits
It’s important for divorcing couples to remember that you can collect your ex-spouse’s Social Security benefits. If your marriage lasted 10 years or more and you're 62 or older, you can collect retirement benefits on your former spouse's Social Security record (if you’re unmarried), and it won’t impact your former spouse's benefits, Dorrell says.

You may be eligible to draw benefits of up to 50% of your former spouse's benefit. Check out the Social Security Administration’s website for more information about filing for benefits if you’re divorced. 

* * *

[This article has been slightly shortened. To read the full piece go to Divorce After 50.]

Peace ~

Linda

"Your Pocket Divorce Guide" Reviews

***** These are the two new 5-Star Amazon book reviews:

Your Pocket Divorce Guide
~ BUY NOW ~
Print & Kindle formats

5.0 out of 5 stars

easy to understand guide for anyone going through divorce July 27, 2014

By Dede Hoffmann

Format:Paperback

Common sense, easy to understand guide for anyone going through divorce. There are so many things to think of during a divorce. And, just as many things you don't think of. Linda's checklist approach let's you plan your divorce instead of just letting it happen.                                                _________________________________________________________

5.0 out of 5 stars

Excellent Resource for those Divorcing August 7, 2014

By Valerie Allen

Format:Kindle Edition

Linda C. Senn does an excellent job of preparing one to deal with the different aspects of divorce. Your Pocket Divorce Guide is easy to understand, offering direct and practical information. The many checklists are a concise way to stay on track, especially during this time of emotional and financial upheaval. This book covers dealings with the soon to be ex-partner, family, friends, coworkers, and attorneys. This book should also be used by divorce lawyers and mediators, working to assist couples as they end their relationship in the least harmful and hurtful way. Highly recommended. 

Before Divorce Mediation

In certain situations, a skilled divorce mediator can help a couple some to a mutual agreement on their major areas of disagreement. Today's post is from the website of Robert D. Bordett CFP, CDFA, of Collaborative Practice and Mediation Services. His points are right on target, although that doesn't mean they'll be easy for you:

7 Things To Think About Before Mediation

Going into mediation can be a stressful experience. Many times there are lingering feelings that can cloud your judgement. Hurt feelings and unresolved anger can lead to misunderstandings. If you are headed into mediation, remembering these 7 things could help ease the process:

1.     Aim for solutions that will work for everyone, and don’t keep score.

2.     Be flexible, and don’t enter mediation with a preconceived plan. Be open to different alternatives.

3.     Listen and be respectful to what your spouse says, and what you say to your spouse. Don’t speak on your spouse’s behalf. Think before you speak.

4.     Use the mediator to get a different perspective. Mediators are neutral parties with a lot of experience; they can help brainstorm for different solutions – be sure to utilize their experience.

5.     Come prepared. Bring all financial and other records you think will be needed. Update these records if required. Put some effort into preparing your budget.

6.     Try not to discuss difficult issues in advance. It may seem like you and your spouse are getting along, but there will be moments when the topic is toxic and tempers will flare, rendering the progress made beforehand useless.

7.     Relax and take a deep breath. The most frequent question I get asked by couples is, “How long will this process take?” My standard response to that is, “How long have you been married? Rome wasn’t built in a day.”

Remembering these 7 steps is vital, but there is one thing a couple must not do: Discuss difficult issues in advance.

And one last thing: Take a break when you need it! A good mediator can help sort through emotional baggage and get couples to a place of agreement. Allow the process to unfold. Relax – take a deep breath – and remember that you can get through this.

Robert D. Bordett CFP, CDFA
Collaborative Practice
and Mediation Services

http://www.u2agree.com/7-things-to-think-about-before-mediation/

July 30, 2014

Divorce: Telling the Children

One of the hardest parts of separation is telling your kids, and you have to deal with that painful announcement at a time when you're emotionally wounded and bleeding. Talk to other single parents about how they handled "the divorce talk," and rehearse what you'll say before you sit down with your children.

They may already be feeling frightened and uncertain because of the anger and unloving actions they've seen between their mommy and daddy. The young are very sensitive to family stress.

Often they're overwhelmed with guilt and feel they are somehow responsible for the family's unhappiness. They may also feel it's their job to make things right and make everybody happy with each other again. They need to be told over and over that they aren't responsible for any of your grown-up problems and divorce.

If possible you should both sit down with your child and explain that you aren't happy living together anymore, and that you'll be getting a divorce and living in different houses. Assure them that you both love them very much, and that won't ever change. Tell them what wonderful kids you think they are, and talk briefly about a special parent/child time together that's particularly dear to you. It's vital for them to understand that neither parent is divorcing them. They'll now have two family homes instead of one.

Assuming that you'll have some kind of shared custody, explain that they'll spend some time with each of you, but that it'll take a little time for you to figure out a schedule.

Even though you're being torn apart with lawyers, property settlement discussions, and possibly moving, try to spend some extra time with your children after you tell them you're divorcing. Get-togethers involving grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins will further demonstrate a stable family foundation to them. 

You might even ask if one or more of your close family member would volunteer to be touchstones for your kids.

DON'T...
    ... compete for your child's love.
    ... bad-mouth your spouse.
    ... force your child to choose sides, either by words or actions.
    ... pump your child for information about your soon-to-be-ex.

DO...

    ... reassure them of your unwavering love for them by both your words and your actions.

    ... encourage them to come talk to you when they feel sad or confused.

    ... repeatedly tell them this is in no way their fault.

    ... tell them that your decision is final (assuming that's true).

In the best of all worlds, the children will have two loving homes in the future instead of one. Constance R. Ahrons's excellent book The Good Divorce (HarperCollins 1994) offers some excellent advice for establishing and maintaining a loving though separate family.

Finally, the best thing you can do for both your children and yourself after you tell them about the divorce is to simply love them.

Peace ~
Lin

Preparing for Separation Page!

Are you considering leaving your marriage? If so, chances are you don't know how to prepare for the separation. But you'll find 11 points of spot-on, useful  information on this blog's newest page:

Preparing for Separation

BEFORE SEPARATION: PREPARING TO LEAVE

[An excerpt from Chapter 1 of Your Pocket Divorce Guide by Linda C. Senn]

Do know of someone else who might appreciate having this information? Please pass this link along to them.

FREE Book!

YOUR POCKET DIVORCE GUIDE

FREE on Amazon today and Saturday, July 26th

If you're considering separation or are in the divorce process now, you'll find concise, practical information as describe on the book's page on this blog, New Book Release.

If you know of anyone who might need this kind of help, please forward this information to them. They'll be very grateful for it.

* Those of you who don't have a Kindle can order "Download to PC." Amazon will request permission to "install" a Kindle-reading program onto your computer. It's safe. That's how I read Kindle books!

Divorce Sickness

Your Divorce
Journal

The sometimes disorienting stresses of the whole separation and divorce process certain can make you sick! In the previous post, you learned three easy stress relievers. Journaling is another. Psychologists have been recommending journaling for stress relief, to record your hopes and joys, and to identify lingering hot buttons and why you're having a hard time letting them go.

Here is another page from The Divorce Recovery Journal shown on the Linda's Other Books page on this blog.

                 Divorce "Sickness"

The only cure for seasickness is

to sit on the shady side of an

old brick church in the country.

~ English sailors’ proverb

Our Thoughts:

Divorce can be dizzying and nauseating, just like seasickness. The point to this proverb is to avoid the irritant when you think you’re going to throw up (either literally or figuratively).

Find some place, either internally or externally, where you can be peaceful.  Slow down, take a time out, get your land legs back under you. A quiet place in nature is wonderful.

Simply identifying your hot buttons can go a long way towards helping you manage and finally conquer them.

Your Thoughts:

What are my major irritants? 

Peace ~

Lin