Preparing to Separate

It's one thing to make the decision to separate and divorce -- quite another to screw up the courage to act on it. But there are several useful steps you can take before announcing it to your soon-to-be-ex.

The first is building a foundation of supportive friends and maybe even non-judgmental relatives.

Get together with one or two close, discreet friends. This isn't necessarily a "baring your soul" session. In the first conversation, you may simply say you're way past miserable and are seriously considering starting over single.

Odds are that won't come as a shock to those close to you. But you can ask if they're surprised.* Some people get so good at putting on a false, happy face, that others believed your relationship was fine.

Resist the urge to spew out all the emotional pain you feel -- those are best shared with your therapist. Steer your friends in the direction of practical questions and suggestions.

Some will play devil's advocate and ask if you've thought of this or that challenge of being single again. Listen to them. They really do meant to be helpful. If  it's something you haven't considered, resist the urge to feel discouraged. Focus on the best way to deal with whatever they brought up.

It's not a question of Can I or Can't I.
But of how can I work around that.

 Don't invite anyone who went through a bitter divorce, seems stuck in a painful marriage, or has chosen to be a lifelong victim.

Supportive friends offer a powerful boost your courage and will be a joy in your new life as a single.

Separated But In Divorce Limbo

Making the final decision to file for divorce comes very slowly in some situations.  One spouse may initiate the separation; the other goes alone because there doesn’t seem to be a choice; sometimes, one leaves while the other spends years thinking they'll get back together. So won't move forward.

But this lives-on-hold situation can be physically and emotionally unhealthy. In fact, limbo is such unsettled territory, that often one or both spouses continue to feel their lives are simply dangling in midair. 

Here are a few ways to create a healthier limbo:

ATTORNEY: Spend an hour talking to a divorce lawyer about the rules of marital separation in your area. Does moving out of the marital home constitute abandonment? If you leave the children in the care of your spouse, will it affect your future custody agreement? Simply ask how any actions you take now could have a bearing on your future life if you eventually get a divorce. Be overly cautious now rather than wish at some point in the future that you had been!

FAMILY: Spend social time with your family – at least with those whose company you enjoy! Avoid the ones who can’t refrain from quizzing you and/or constantly telling you what you should do. You need a break from that. If you have children, spend pleasant, happy time with them, whether you’re living with them or not.

FRIENDS: If you have long time friends who won’t take sides and who can be both respectful of your privacy and fun company, spend time with them on shared interests, old and new.

NEW FRIENDS: Meet new people and develop new friendships. Those who only know you, the new you, won’t remind you of what was or what may come to be. They only know the you of right now. Spend time getting to know the ones who make you feel good about yourself and life in general. 

OH, THOSE WEEKENDS: Some separated and divorced people really hate being at home on weekend evenings – others don’t. If you feel down at those times, make it a point to plan a shared, fun activity for at least one of those nights every weekend.

* In economically tough times, make it a group challenge to come up with free or very cheap fun so no one will be left out. Free concerts and plays at universities, workshops and seminars at churches and other religious settings, and community festivals can be great for all involved.

PRACTICAL ACTIONS: Whether you stay married or not, there are a few basic, healthy steps to take now: Open your own checking account; apply for your own credit card (legitimately using full household income on the application); and start a separate cell phone account if you’re currently on a family plan. If you're living separately, keep your accounts and households truly separate. 

In essence, develop your own healthy life – one that doesn’t involve your separate spouse. You aren’t excluding or shunning. You’re simply choosing to be a healthy individual, whatever the life situation.

Peace,

Lin