Divorce: Telling the Children

One of the hardest parts of separation is telling your kids, and you have to deal with that painful announcement at a time when you're emotionally wounded and bleeding. Talk to other single parents about how they handled "the divorce talk," and rehearse what you'll say before you sit down with your children.

They may already be feeling frightened and uncertain because of the anger and unloving actions they've seen between their mommy and daddy. The young are very sensitive to family stress.

Often they're overwhelmed with guilt and feel they are somehow responsible for the family's unhappiness. They may also feel it's their job to make things right and make everybody happy with each other again. They need to be told over and over that they aren't responsible for any of your grown-up problems and divorce.

If possible you should both sit down with your child and explain that you aren't happy living together anymore, and that you'll be getting a divorce and living in different houses. Assure them that you both love them very much, and that won't ever change. Tell them what wonderful kids you think they are, and talk briefly about a special parent/child time together that's particularly dear to you. It's vital for them to understand that neither parent is divorcing them. They'll now have two family homes instead of one.

Assuming that you'll have some kind of shared custody, explain that they'll spend some time with each of you, but that it'll take a little time for you to figure out a schedule.

Even though you're being torn apart with lawyers, property settlement discussions, and possibly moving, try to spend some extra time with your children after you tell them you're divorcing. Get-togethers involving grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins will further demonstrate a stable family foundation to them. 

You might even ask if one or more of your close family member would volunteer to be touchstones for your kids.

DON'T...
    ... compete for your child's love.
    ... bad-mouth your spouse.
    ... force your child to choose sides, either by words or actions.
    ... pump your child for information about your soon-to-be-ex.

DO...

    ... reassure them of your unwavering love for them by both your words and your actions.

    ... encourage them to come talk to you when they feel sad or confused.

    ... repeatedly tell them this is in no way their fault.

    ... tell them that your decision is final (assuming that's true).

In the best of all worlds, the children will have two loving homes in the future instead of one. Constance R. Ahrons's excellent book The Good Divorce (HarperCollins 1994) offers some excellent advice for establishing and maintaining a loving though separate family.

Finally, the best thing you can do for both your children and yourself after you tell them about the divorce is to simply love them.

Peace ~
Lin