Separated But In Divorce Limbo

Making the final decision to file for divorce comes very slowly in some situations.  One spouse may initiate the separation; the other goes alone because there doesn’t seem to be a choice; sometimes, one leaves while the other spends years thinking they'll get back together. So won't move forward.

But this lives-on-hold situation can be physically and emotionally unhealthy. In fact, limbo is such unsettled territory, that often one or both spouses continue to feel their lives are simply dangling in midair. 

Here are a few ways to create a healthier limbo:

ATTORNEY: Spend an hour talking to a divorce lawyer about the rules of marital separation in your area. Does moving out of the marital home constitute abandonment? If you leave the children in the care of your spouse, will it affect your future custody agreement? Simply ask how any actions you take now could have a bearing on your future life if you eventually get a divorce. Be overly cautious now rather than wish at some point in the future that you had been!

FAMILY: Spend social time with your family – at least with those whose company you enjoy! Avoid the ones who can’t refrain from quizzing you and/or constantly telling you what you should do. You need a break from that. If you have children, spend pleasant, happy time with them, whether you’re living with them or not.

FRIENDS: If you have long time friends who won’t take sides and who can be both respectful of your privacy and fun company, spend time with them on shared interests, old and new.

NEW FRIENDS: Meet new people and develop new friendships. Those who only know you, the new you, won’t remind you of what was or what may come to be. They only know the you of right now. Spend time getting to know the ones who make you feel good about yourself and life in general. 

OH, THOSE WEEKENDS: Some separated and divorced people really hate being at home on weekend evenings – others don’t. If you feel down at those times, make it a point to plan a shared, fun activity for at least one of those nights every weekend.

* In economically tough times, make it a group challenge to come up with free or very cheap fun so no one will be left out. Free concerts and plays at universities, workshops and seminars at churches and other religious settings, and community festivals can be great for all involved.

PRACTICAL ACTIONS: Whether you stay married or not, there are a few basic, healthy steps to take now: Open your own checking account; apply for your own credit card (legitimately using full household income on the application); and start a separate cell phone account if you’re currently on a family plan. If you're living separately, keep your accounts and households truly separate. 

In essence, develop your own healthy life – one that doesn’t involve your separate spouse. You aren’t excluding or shunning. You’re simply choosing to be a healthy individual, whatever the life situation.

Peace,

Lin

Leave the Marriage or Stay

If you are still in the decision-making stage – do I stay or do I go – read Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay by Mira Kirshenbaum. Kirshenbaum takes her readers on an intimate, enlightening tour of their marriages, and offers helpful, sometimes surprising insights into whether it’s healthier to leave or stay.

Excerpt from Your Pocket Divorce Guide

In the course of my divorce coaching, I've encountered several situations where the potential leaver was paralyzed by indecision. This book might have been an enormous help to them.For me, this book was reassuring. I'd made my decision and divorced. Then I read this, and realized my decision have been the right one.

Mira Kirshenbaum is clinical director of the Chestnut Hill Institute, a center for therapy and research in Boston, and has been treating patients in individual and couples therapy for more than thirty years.

Peace ~ 

Lin

Free New Divorce Book!

FREE Kindle  version tomorrow and Friday
(June 5th and 6th) on Amazon. 

My newest book, Your Pocket Divorce Guide, will be available to you for Free! 

If you're considering separation or are in the divorce process now, you'll find concise, practical information as describe on the book's page on this blog, New Book Release. If you know of anyone who might need this kind of help, please forward this information to them. They'll be very grateful for it.

* Those of you who don't have a Kindle can order "Download to PC." Amazon will request permission to "install" a Kindle-reading program onto your computer. It's safe. That's how I read Kindle books!

Peace ~

Lin

Saving on Legal Fees

Your Pocket Divorce Guide
~ BUY NOW ~

The winter/spring 2014 issue of "Divorce Magazine" features my article of tips on saving on attorney fees. That information is based on my original interview with attorney/mediator Tim Gardner who candidly shared some simple ways clients can keep their legal fees to a minimum.

Those tips can save you some big bucks!

You can read the excerpt from the book on the
Save Money on Legal Fees page of this blog.

By the way, "Divorce Magazine" is an excellent divorce and separation resource and well worth checking out.

Peace ~
Lin

Divorce and Feelings of Failure

For both the Leaver and the Left, separation and divorce often create a deep sense of failure. I/we should've/could've been able to make this work! Failure, in turn, pulls us down and can lead to depression. But shining a new light on that word can shift the feeling into the positive, or at least neutral category.

Today's online Huffington Post article "The Key To Avoiding Self-Destructive Behaviors In The Face Of Failure" reminded me of another, less complicated way to reframe failure even in big situations.

Although the article didn't delve into self-destructive behaviors, those of us who have been through divorce, know some of the most common ones involve alcohol, over eating, binge partying or bar hopping, obsessive spending, and other abnormal extremes of behavior. Each is destructive and can become a permanent way of life.

The best way I know to re-view it is to genuinely see that failure as a learning experience. It is, you know. Life is just full of those and will be for as long as we live. Personal relationships aren't exempt.

One positive, effective way to shift your mindset is to pick up your journal (you've got one, right?) and a pen. Draw a horizontal across the middle of the page the page dividing it into two parts. Title the page "Learning from Failure." 

In the first section, "My Failures," list the ways you feel you may have failed in helping build a healthy marriage. Be brutally honest! Comments like "... but she shouldn't have taken it that way."  won't help you move on. Jot down anything that comes to mind, large or small allowing space to add more as you think of them.

The second section, "What I've Learned," may take some pondering. But there you'll write what you'll try to do differently in the future or maybe never do or say again. You're learning about the way you want to interact with the world in the future.

 * MAKE ALL OF THOSE POSITIVE! *

Resist the whiny or angry or pathetic comments. Focus on healthy inner changes and smile as you write each one. 

Take a few days to add to each list. There's no need to rush. 

Peace ~

Lin

Divorce Stress

You're right. Divorce is stressful.

"Someday we'll look back on this moment
and plow into a parked car."
                                              ~ Evan Davis

Slow down and take a some slow, deep breaths, and remember to play now and then
- just for the plain fun of it!

Peace ~

Lin

p.s. Be sure to keep up on your car insurance payments, too!

When the Divorce is Granted

When you receive notice that your divorce has been granted, don't spend the rest of the day alone. Whether you hear it in the courtroom, on a phone call from your attorney, or read a snail-mail notification, you may feel like you're suddenly different.

You might have been the "leaver" or the "left." Either way, there will likely be a feeling of loss, emptiness, or something nameless but sad. Sure, it's a beginning. But it's also an ending.

Get together with a friend or two. You can even ask in advance if they'd like to join you after you get the news, just to hang out. Call it a celebration or just friend time. It's many things all rolled into one.

I didn't know that and went out to eat by myself. That's not unusual. But on that night, I wished I'd been with a friend or two.

Peace ~

Lin