To Stay or Leave Your Marriage

The decision to divorce isn't easy. Continuing with the status quo may be tempting. Some people take years to make a move -- some simply live out their lives in an emotionally painful, loveless marriage. Wouldn't it be great for an expert to help you decide?

One especially helpful book, "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay: A Step-by-StepGuide to Help You Decide Whether to Stay In or Get Out of YourRelationship"  by Mira Kirshenbaum, describes several different unhappy marriages and explains how and why it can be saved or not. 

It's the most logical, insightful book I've read on the subject! 

Although this book was first published in 1997, it's still one of the highest ranking books on Amazon's divorce book scale. The classic marital situations described in the book still resonate in 2016.


Peace ~

Lin

Preparing to Separate

It's one thing to make the decision to separate and divorce -- quite another to screw up the courage to act on it. But there are several useful steps you can take before announcing it to your soon-to-be-ex.

The first is building a foundation of supportive friends and maybe even non-judgmental relatives.

Get together with one or two close, discreet friends. This isn't necessarily a "baring your soul" session. In the first conversation, you may simply say you're way past miserable and are seriously considering starting over single.

Odds are that won't come as a shock to those close to you. But you can ask if they're surprised.* Some people get so good at putting on a false, happy face, that others believed your relationship was fine.

Resist the urge to spew out all the emotional pain you feel -- those are best shared with your therapist. Steer your friends in the direction of practical questions and suggestions.

Some will play devil's advocate and ask if you've thought of this or that challenge of being single again. Listen to them. They really do meant to be helpful. If  it's something you haven't considered, resist the urge to feel discouraged. Focus on the best way to deal with whatever they brought up.

It's not a question of Can I or Can't I.
But of how can I work around that.

 Don't invite anyone who went through a bitter divorce, seems stuck in a painful marriage, or has chosen to be a lifelong victim.

Supportive friends offer a powerful boost your courage and will be a joy in your new life as a single.

A Lonely Marriage

LONELINESS by Beverly J. Letchworth

Loneliness falls

     not with butterfly wings

     but with a smack

     of eagle's talons -

             gripping,

     suffocating,

     with pain

     that stills the soul.

It is a loathsome thing,

     this invisible suppression

     which leaves the heart

             shaken and afraid,

             despairing of its duration;

             

               for it's one thing

                to be lonely alone,

                but agony to be lonely

                                   with you.

          *    *    *    *    *    *    *

From The Many Faces of Journaling: topics & techniques for personal journaling by Linda C. Senn

Divorce & Starting Over Single

End of the Year = End of Your Marriage?

Major holidays sometimes prove just how broken your marriage is, and you know ... it's time to stop pretending and admit that your marriage has been over for so very long.  * Your only New Year's resolution is to file for divorce.

The decision itself can be a relief, especially if you've been struggling to make the marriage work. But you can't. It really does take two. 

The reasons for divorce are many. Emotional and personality incompatibility is a destroyer. The two partners may have completely different needs for feeling loved and secure -- needs that the spouse is unable or unwilling to give. 

Your job in making the decision to leave or stay is whether you've blossomed or withered in your marriage. Your natural inborn gift is a peaceful, loving life.

Imagine the absence of emotional, psychological, and/or physical abuse. Picture being surrounded by people who respect you, believe in you, and admire you. How does that sound? Impossible? No. That's the real world, beyond your marriage.

   * When you leave the pain, you truly walk into the sunshine. *

In this series of blog posts, Divorce & Starting Over Single, you'll find practical guidance, steps to take through that process, and upbeat ideas for fresh start as a single. You'll also find useful information in the past posts.

And, as always, I welcome your comments!

Peace,

Lin

Made Mistakes You Regret? It’s Not Too Late To Make It Right!

[Rebecca Sedacca, CCT, known as The Voice of Child-Centered Divorce, is a Divorce and Parenting Coach and Founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network for parents, and a counselor of extraordinary compassion and wisdom. Visit her website for more helpful guidance.]  

By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT
September 27th, 2014

Divorce drives some people crazy. Because of that, they make many poor decisions. Their judgment, integrity and credibility are easy to question. Their decisions regarding taking responsibility for their children come under scrutiny.

There is much we can all learn from these mistakes. And wisdom we can take away that is important for all of us to remember: It’s never too late to get it right – when your children are at stake!

In the heat of the divorce drama, we may have settled for a decision or two that we later regretted and still feel resentful. Or we made a child-related agreement that, in hindsight, was not in our child’s best interest – but we don’t know quite how to remedy the situation.

Perhaps we lost our tempers at an inappropriate time 

and watched our children painfully internalize the experience.

- or - 
Maybe we referred to our ex in a rather unflattering way 

only to find our child get very upset and storm away in anger.

While some legal issues can only be handled through legal resolution, there are many post-divorce relationship decisions involving our children that we can remedy! And, it’s never too late to make amends.

If you have found that your children are suffering or hurting due to a decision you made when you were more motivated by anger than by positive parenting and are now having regrets – take action.

That can mean having a heart-to-heart with your children and apologizing for behavior or statements you made that created pain in their lives. Take responsibility, own those choices, and humbly explain that you made an error and now want to make some changes.

That may translate into letting them spend more time with their other parent … no longer bad-mouthing your ex in front of the kids … inviting your ex to a holiday or school event with the children … encouraging the kids to have a visit with their “other” grandparents … you get the idea.

Perhaps it means a straight-talk conversation with your ex that opens the door to better, more cooperative communication, trust and co-parenting. Or, apologizing for harsh words and insults.

Yes, this can be amazingly difficult to do from an ego perspective. But when you think about how much joy it can mean to your children when they see both of their parents getting along – it’s more than worth the swallowing of your pride. Chances are your ex will swallow some too – and be receptive to working things out in a more mature manner.

If you have nothing to “own” and all the tension and mistakes rest solely on the shoulders of your ex, try approaching them in a different way,
focusing exclusively on the emotional needs of the children,and reaching out a hand in peace.

There’s no guarantee this will work – and we all know there are some certified jerks out there of both genders! But don’t give up – ever! Times change, people can change, and change may be just what your family needs so you can create a better outcome for your children.

When you take the “high” road and model responsible, effective behavior, you are giving your children the gift of learning how to do that themselves. It’s a gift that will pay off for you and them many times in the years ahead. One day your children will thank you for making things “right.” They’ll acknowledge you for being such a model Mom or Dad, despite the challenges you faced. And believe me, you will be proud of the parent you worked so hard to become.

It’s never too late to heed this advice and start taking constructive steps that move you in the right direction – to honor the children you love. And if you need a helping hand, reach out to a professional for that support and guidance. We’re here to help you make a positive difference for everyone in the family.

*     *     *

Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a Divorce & Parenting Coach and author of the internationally-acclaimed ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children — with Love! For her free ebook on Post-Divorce Parenting, coaching services and other valuable resources on divorce and parenting issues, go to: www.childcentereddivorce.com.

Also see "The Forgotten Ones: Your Adult Children and Your Divorce" in Your Pocket Divorce Guide by Linda. C. Senn.

Morale Boosters for the Newly Single

Separation and divorce make us feel like failures. Both the Leaver and the Left can feel that they should have been able to do something to save and renew the once-happy marriage. But we tried and couldn't. And now that the divorce is final, a major morale boost is desperately needed!

The following aren't ongoing stress relievers. They're a way of honoring yourself and marking the start of a new phase of your life. Morale boosts for both women and men may come from a special piece of jewelry, a good luck talisman, or an item for your new home. For once, I recommend something tangible that you can enjoy over and over again like a warm hug.

There's no need to rush! Take your time and savor the anticipation. Look at it as a quest for your own symbolic grail. Do set a realistic budget and don't go overboard. Debt is no way to begin a new life.

Some of the ideas below were the choices of my friends and coaching clients, others just seem like fun.  But I'd love to hear what you decided on for yourself. I'll post your responses here on the blog with or without your first name only - your call:

1. JEWELRY. The stone(s) from an engagement ring or some family heirloom set into a new ring or necklace in celebration of YOU! Take your time, visit a few different jewelers and compare both the ring, brooch, pendant, and cuff link settings and the prices at each place. Shop and "sleep on it" as many times as it takes to find something that makes you feel special. A friend worked with a jeweler to design and make a new ring using the stone from her engagement ring with smaller stones from her grandmother's brooch.

2. A NEW ITEM FOR YOUR HOME. A practical item won't give you the same boost as something symbolic, artistic, or in some way uplifting to your spirit. One woman stumbled upon a large pen and ink picture of a reclining, nude woman. The soft watercolor accents of aqua and coral with the black ink highlighted both the femininity and strength of Elemental Woman. Now beautifully framed, it hangs in a place of honor in her new living room and speaks of her own inner spirit.

3. A PERSONAL TALISMAN OR GOOD LUCK SYMBOL. Ideally, this should be small enough to carry in your pocket, purse, or briefcase, so you can always have it with you. You may already have a special item, maybe your grandparent's watch or the silver dollar he gave you. Some of us have a favorite small, polished or natural stone or one with an encouraging word etched on it. Old or new, given to you by a special person or store bought, it should give you a positive feeling when you hold it in your hand.

4. PERSONAL TLC. True, this kind of treat isn't tangible, but it certainly boosts the morale. A great massage lifts both your mood and your endorphins. [Tip: If you know it'll take you almost an hour to simply relax into it, schedule a 90 minutes massage.] Or sign on for a package deal wherein you save by buying 5 or more massages to use when you wish. For all-out pampering, go for a day at the spa. You can usually choose which personal services you want to include in a day's visit.

Finding this special gift to yourself needs time. You could share the quest with a friend or venture forth on your own. When you've found it and claimed it for yourself, you may go home and silently meditate on the goodness and positive energy you will share with the item. You could also throw a party for close friends to celebrate the item's "homecoming." In some way that feels right to you, welcome it.

Happy hunting!

Lin

Laughter for Stress Relief

Separation and divorce produce so many different layers of stress that "overwhelmed" can become the only honest response to "How are you?" Wherever you are in the process, it's the right time to learn and use positive stress relievers. Make them a regular item in your schedule.

Some of us find that the laughter boost we get alone really blossoms when we share the experience with friends and family. That doubles your stress-relief, first with socializing, and then with the laughter itself. Funny movies, videos (I still like "Shrek I" for grown up laughing), games, singing, dancing, you can even make a game out of planning laughter get togethers!

We've all experienced the simple feel-good and sleep-better benefits of laughing, but here's the rest of the story. The Mayo Clinic web site informs us of the physiological benefits of laughter: 

Stress relief from laughter? It's no joke

By Mayo Clinic Staff

A good sense of humor can't cure all ailments, but data are mounting about the positive things laughter can do.

<>  SHORT-TERM BENEFITS

A good laugh has great short-term effects. When you start to laugh, it doesn't just lighten your load mentally, it actually induces physical changes in your body. Laughter can:

* Stimulate many organs. Laughter enhances your intake of oxygen-rich air, stimulates your heart, lungs and muscles, and increases the endorphins that are released by your brain.

* Activate and relieve your stress response. A rollicking laugh fires up and then cools down your stress response and increases your heart rate and blood pressure. The result? A good, relaxed feeling.

* Soothe tension. Laughter can also stimulate circulation and aid muscle relaxation, both of which help reduce some of the physical symptoms of stress.

          

<>  LONG-TERM EFFECTS

Laughter isn't just a quick pick-me-up, though. It's also good for you over the long haul. Laughter may:

* Improve your immune system. Negative thoughts manifest into chemical reactions that can affect your body by bringing more stress into your system and decreasing your immunity. In contrast, positive thoughts actually release neuropeptides that help fight stress and potentially more-serious illnesses.

* Relieve pain. Laughter may ease pain by causing the body to produce its own natural painkillers. Laughter may also break the pain-spasm cycle common to some muscle disorders.

* Increase personal satisfaction. Laughter can also make it easier to cope with difficult situations. It also helps you connect with other people.

* Improve your mood. Many people experience depression, sometimes due to chronic illnesses. Laughter can help lessen your depression and anxiety and make you feel happier. 

Click HERE to read the full article.

Peace ~

Lin